I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
