Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
