My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
