Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
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I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
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It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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