all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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