sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
