please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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