There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
