Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
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She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
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Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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