my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
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You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
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I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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