I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
This baby is an asshole
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
