so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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