I want you more than these girls want KFC
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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