Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
