Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I don't deserve a penis
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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