My cat gives me a boner
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
