My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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