just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
