I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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