I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
