My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
