Swine flu. Run for my life!
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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