OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
