First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
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She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
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I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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