you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
