I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
