why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
