smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
we're making bets on your personal life
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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