he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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