Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
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you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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