He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
