What did we do last night that was yellow?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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