do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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