My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
