dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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