I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
