life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
