There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
