I got chris browned last night
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
