guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize