Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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