So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
