kristin has been a bad kristin
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
