Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
should my penis look like a turkey
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
