Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
