apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
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We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I can't put those talents on a resume
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the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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