Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
