My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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