im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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