Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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