Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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