why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
