for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
