when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Your dad touched me again.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
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He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
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I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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