love makes seman taste better
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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