i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
